A Friend in Need...
There's a girl I work with, we'll call her Abby for anonymity's sake, and we seem to have hit it off, or have a connection of some sort that goes beyond simply being workmates. I would go so far as to say that, over time, I have come to care for this person and watching her be unhappy with her life always takes a little out of me.
Now, I swore years ago that I would never again take on the mantle of 'helper', after my friend Stacey drove me absolutely batshit while I tried to help her through some relationship problems. There's only so much advice that you can give, or support you can provide that gets ignored before you start to wonder why they asked for your help in the first place. Still, I look at Abby, who has not actually directly asked me to help her with anything, but the naive, romantic, helpful idiot inside me has decided that I am going to try and help her with some of her issues.
She hates her life, wants to expand her horizons, change her job, find a guy who likes her, travel, and more-or-less get out of the miserable and predictable rut that she finds herself trapped in every day of her life. In all honesty, I can probably help her out with many of the above items listed, and am willing to throw myself into the breach, as it were, if she were willing to accept the help, but I find myself confused by some of the reactions that I'm getting. Mixed signals, if you will.
We'll have these great talks after work and she'll be all personal, sharing things from her past and slightly-below-the-surface things about her family, things she wants out of life, things that I would think you wouldn't normally divulge to someone whose company you don't really want to keep. Yet almost without fail, the day after one of our really good talks, she throws the cold shoulder and all the cool stuff we shared is sort of lost out in the ether. I always have to start from square one with her and I don't understand totally why.
I do understand that I'm offering myself to her unsolicited and she may not feel entirely comfortable carrying things on during our regular work hours, and I'm even willing to accept that she's faking it all and doesn't want to socialize with me much during the day. Heck, I'm even willing to say that the only reason I'm putting myself through this is because I want her to be a closer friend so badly that I'm the one making shit up.
But then I get those help me signals again and I get suckered (totally self-imposed, of course) into lining up at the plate and waiting for the pitch yet again.
We'll see how tomorrow works out, I guess. If anything interesting happens, I'll post something on here.
Stay gold, Pony-Boy!
Now, I swore years ago that I would never again take on the mantle of 'helper', after my friend Stacey drove me absolutely batshit while I tried to help her through some relationship problems. There's only so much advice that you can give, or support you can provide that gets ignored before you start to wonder why they asked for your help in the first place. Still, I look at Abby, who has not actually directly asked me to help her with anything, but the naive, romantic, helpful idiot inside me has decided that I am going to try and help her with some of her issues.
She hates her life, wants to expand her horizons, change her job, find a guy who likes her, travel, and more-or-less get out of the miserable and predictable rut that she finds herself trapped in every day of her life. In all honesty, I can probably help her out with many of the above items listed, and am willing to throw myself into the breach, as it were, if she were willing to accept the help, but I find myself confused by some of the reactions that I'm getting. Mixed signals, if you will.
We'll have these great talks after work and she'll be all personal, sharing things from her past and slightly-below-the-surface things about her family, things she wants out of life, things that I would think you wouldn't normally divulge to someone whose company you don't really want to keep. Yet almost without fail, the day after one of our really good talks, she throws the cold shoulder and all the cool stuff we shared is sort of lost out in the ether. I always have to start from square one with her and I don't understand totally why.
I do understand that I'm offering myself to her unsolicited and she may not feel entirely comfortable carrying things on during our regular work hours, and I'm even willing to accept that she's faking it all and doesn't want to socialize with me much during the day. Heck, I'm even willing to say that the only reason I'm putting myself through this is because I want her to be a closer friend so badly that I'm the one making shit up.
But then I get those help me signals again and I get suckered (totally self-imposed, of course) into lining up at the plate and waiting for the pitch yet again.
We'll see how tomorrow works out, I guess. If anything interesting happens, I'll post something on here.
Stay gold, Pony-Boy!
posted by Mike Jozic at
12:19 AM
3 Comments:
Hard to know with some people. Sometimes they don't actually want help, only to vent. Sometimes, no matter what they say,they're more afraid of change than of their present crappy existence. They hold it around themselves like a protective cloak because what's out there might be worse. And I believe that attitude and expectations become self fulfilling prophecies. I've learned the hard way that while you can be there for them when they need you, you can't actually help them, they have to do it themselves. Very frustrating for those of us who like to help people. I'm not sure why she would ignore you afterward. Sounds like a bit of a control thing to me. All you can do is be who and what you are. Don't let her misery drag you down, too.
Sending good thoughts your way.
By
Anonymous, at 10:28 AM
yera, I totally agree with you and if you read the following post you'll see that it played out pretty much as one would expect. I think the fear of change is likely the culprit here, as well.
As a person of the 'helper' variety I've always wondered why kindness is viewed by so many people as a threat. You start being nice to them for whatever reason and instead of welcoming the attention they withdraw and put their defenses up. My wife is like that and I'm still trying to figure out how to find the soft underbelly that I know is there, somewhere.
Having said that, I'm thinking control issues, too.
Anyway, thanks for the comment. I am curious, though, how'd you stumble upon the blog?
By
Mike Jozic, at 2:15 PM
Mike, I'm a relative newbie to online blogs - don't have one myself, but have enjoyed checking them out. Came upon your Meanwhile the Blog and have read it a few times. This time I checked out your profile page and scrolled down to the bottom where I saw you had a second blog. Being someone like you who prefers to talk things over with friends rather than family, I find personal blogging really interesting, but not something I'd have the nerve to do. Sometimes, I think I am too internal for my own good. ;)
As for the helping thing, it's hard watching people you care about suffer, or pursuing something (or someone) that you know is going to make them miserable. And knowing that you'll lose the friendship for certain if you say anything. This is not to say that I never try, but have learned to chose the battle, so to speak. Anyways, I realize that I have found a little outlet for my helpfulness. I teach the occasional adult education class (mostly creative), and it is so much fun to be in a group of people who are there because they want your help, they actually appreciate it! And they tell you that they appreciate it.
Kind of nice to have some ego stroking once in awhile...
By
Anonymous, at 9:47 AM
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